The Sand to My Pearl-more on unrequited love

Well, I wrote a few posts ago questioning unrequited love. Since then, I have learned much about myself and the good and bad of my patterns in dealing with the matters of my heart.

First, I had time away from "him"--enough time to allow me to realize that this may be the first time in my life when I have actually been fully aware of each step as I fell down the staircase into love. Previously, I had fallen in lust; I had awakened suddenly in love with no idea how I had gotten there; and, I had done the love at first sight thing (which, in the end, turned out to be lust at first sight...which I am sure "the love at first sight thing", far too often, is--we just mistake it for love because the feeling is so intense, so deep, so good!)

Second, I learned of why the word passion is rooted in the Latin for suffering. I had suffered in love before, but I had never ventured to understand why. I am not sure I actually ventured to understand why this time; this insight was more revelation than investigation.

Last, I learned that just because one loves another does not mean that the connection is a positive one. I learned that I can love, be tortured by love and walk away from the love while still carrying the blessing of loving that other warmly, deeply, beautifully in my heart. In the past I had chosen to stay until the love turned sour, mutated into ugliness.

Oh, and I also learned that just because a person does not do things to hurt you "on purpose" does not mean it is okay to be hurt. I learned that I can accept and forgive without staying close enough to be hurt again...and again. (It is so strange to me that some people can be so beautiful, yet so poisonous...like flowers.)

My most comfortable mode of expression is poetry. I think poems allow me to say things that would be ineffable it confined to conversation or prose. So, below, I offer my take on this ordeal in a poem. But, before the poetry, I would like to say this:

I tend to take full responsibility for the events in my life. I figure how I see things...experience things, feel about things...is a manifestation of the perspective I choose. A small analogy of this might be, "Happiness is a choice." However, I have also come to learn in this strange encounter with love that if another person sparks suffering in my life, that suffering is a result of something they do...their behavior. My choice lies in what I allow to touch me--no blame, no responsibility on anyone's part but my own.

I also think it is worth documenting here that, over the two years I have known this man, I have discovered him. I was blessed with the chance to be aware as each layer of his beauty came to light: his verve, his affinity for humanity, his desire to instill his own dreams in others, his charitable heart. I will always cherish his having been the catalyst for my discovery. I hope to be equally present the next time love comes my way. There is nothing more endearing than to watch another person grow more and more beautiful, from the inside out, right before your eyes.

The Poem:

The Sand to My Pearl

from Sand i learned falling
slowly
eyes wide open
seeing each layer pass
toward the depths of
in love

before i had only known
the quick plunge
into bed
even more quickly wed
then gone

Sand touched me so right
in all the wrong places

i knew love could be
torture
now i know how
to leave the torment
and carry the love
away

Sand scratched
all the old places
where wounds
never sealed
only scarred

Sand taught me to roll
old pain in that womb
where I grow myself
anew
to shine
from behind
wise eyes

the Sand now Pearl
is you


by blue 1/2008

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Image: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:PerlmuttAusst.jpg

Is it moral to indulge unrequited love?

...This is the visage of the angelic-voiced Maria Callas

I'm beginning to believe I have developed a karmic/kismetic connection with the blogosphere. Once again, I was pondering a topic and randomly blog-hopping when I stumbled onto a post that would turn my hushless meta-voice into inspiration for a post of my own. I also believe I have a case of morality-on-the-brain (and I am highly unqualified to suffer from this vociferous affliction).

Please read beyond the disjointed introduction. The post all comes together in the end...as it all falls apart.

Is it moral to indulge unrequited love?

I love someone. I've loved this person for the longest time, lifetimes probably. I only recently realized that loving him was slowly creeping toward the fatal error of "falling in love".

"Well, why not fall in love?", you ask. That sounds like a beautiful thing, a blessing for a new year that is going your way.

Could be, maybe even should be. But this is one of those loves that garners him everything he needs or wants from me, provides me with an infinite supply of charitable karma points--but no tangible rewards, and uses up all of my social energy tokens (leaving me drained of the will to find a real relationship for myself).

Before I go on, let me say this in his defense: He has never offered me anything more than his friendship. In fact we have sort of had "that talk"...the one where he subtly lets me know I do not qualify for anything more. (Good love-puppy! You have defended him at your own expense very well...now get back to the point)>>>

Well, before I get to my point, let me share the beautiful post I stumbled upon:

From PM's World blog (http://peacefulmuslimah.wordpress.com/):

A Woman Scorned: Unrequited Love And An Avalanche 12/30/07

One of my favorite operas is a rare one — perhaps largely due to its competition from the likes of Puccini, Verdi, Wagner and Mozart — or perhaps because its most tragic scene, the finale in which the ill-fated love meets its demise in no less spectacular way than a Tyrolean avalanche is a stage manager’s nightmare. But nonetheless La Wally is the one opera I have wistfully dreamed of seeing once before I die.

The story might remind you of some of the early film classics: Wally, a young Alpine lass runs away to escape the marriage her father has arranged for her with Vicenzo Gellner. She falls in love with a huntsman Giuseppe Hagenbach from a nearby village who is engaged to another, while Vicenzo’s love remains steadfast and uinrequited. In a calculated flirtation to win Giuseppe away from his betrothed, Wally dances with him and allows him a kiss, not realizing that he is toying with her emotions with the full knowledge of the villagers. Once aware, she seeks retribution by sending Vicenzo to kill Giuseppe as a kind of proof of his love. He does so by pushing Giuseppe off a cliff, but upon hearing of the deed Wallly has second thoughts and rushes to the site, where miraculously she discsovers Giuseppe has survived. He recovers and pledges his love for her right there on the edge of that snowy, unstable ravine and just as he sets off to find a path down from the precipice he is overtaken by an avalanche at which point Wally leaps to her own snowy death.

Enjoy Ebben? ne andrò lontana by Maria Callas
[my addition of a YouTube link in place of PM's embedded (for space)...you should listen, it's captivating].

Starting Over with My Unrequited Point

Is it moral to indulge unrequited love?

My point is to ask if there is something selfishly over indulgent about letting another human feed off your energies--your generosities, your belief in and love for that other?

In my case, am I encouraging another being to take without the grace of giving in return?

Let me frame this by saying that I am not talking about reciprocity. This kind of giving, giving to indulge my own love interest, is not giving that begs for reciprocity--at least not in the tangible sense of the word. This is giving that seeks to bolster the other, without thought for favors done in return. (Though it most certainly may seek love-returned, even if not consciously.)

What are the karmic implications of fostering taking? Even if it is self-generated, what is the implication of helping another drain you?

Is this just the sewing of a future karmic nightmare for you both? You because you failed to love yourself; the other because they take advantage of what is given.

My switch to the proverbial "you", away from addressing myself and what I am doing, lets me know I have no answers to these questions. Maybe someone else can offer input.

I think the immorality is almost certainly my own.

I'll leave this topic to rest...at least for now.