The Sand to My Pearl-more on unrequited love

Well, I wrote a few posts ago questioning unrequited love. Since then, I have learned much about myself and the good and bad of my patterns in dealing with the matters of my heart.

First, I had time away from "him"--enough time to allow me to realize that this may be the first time in my life when I have actually been fully aware of each step as I fell down the staircase into love. Previously, I had fallen in lust; I had awakened suddenly in love with no idea how I had gotten there; and, I had done the love at first sight thing (which, in the end, turned out to be lust at first sight...which I am sure "the love at first sight thing", far too often, is--we just mistake it for love because the feeling is so intense, so deep, so good!)

Second, I learned of why the word passion is rooted in the Latin for suffering. I had suffered in love before, but I had never ventured to understand why. I am not sure I actually ventured to understand why this time; this insight was more revelation than investigation.

Last, I learned that just because one loves another does not mean that the connection is a positive one. I learned that I can love, be tortured by love and walk away from the love while still carrying the blessing of loving that other warmly, deeply, beautifully in my heart. In the past I had chosen to stay until the love turned sour, mutated into ugliness.

Oh, and I also learned that just because a person does not do things to hurt you "on purpose" does not mean it is okay to be hurt. I learned that I can accept and forgive without staying close enough to be hurt again...and again. (It is so strange to me that some people can be so beautiful, yet so poisonous...like flowers.)

My most comfortable mode of expression is poetry. I think poems allow me to say things that would be ineffable it confined to conversation or prose. So, below, I offer my take on this ordeal in a poem. But, before the poetry, I would like to say this:

I tend to take full responsibility for the events in my life. I figure how I see things...experience things, feel about things...is a manifestation of the perspective I choose. A small analogy of this might be, "Happiness is a choice." However, I have also come to learn in this strange encounter with love that if another person sparks suffering in my life, that suffering is a result of something they do...their behavior. My choice lies in what I allow to touch me--no blame, no responsibility on anyone's part but my own.

I also think it is worth documenting here that, over the two years I have known this man, I have discovered him. I was blessed with the chance to be aware as each layer of his beauty came to light: his verve, his affinity for humanity, his desire to instill his own dreams in others, his charitable heart. I will always cherish his having been the catalyst for my discovery. I hope to be equally present the next time love comes my way. There is nothing more endearing than to watch another person grow more and more beautiful, from the inside out, right before your eyes.

The Poem:

The Sand to My Pearl

from Sand i learned falling
slowly
eyes wide open
seeing each layer pass
toward the depths of
in love

before i had only known
the quick plunge
into bed
even more quickly wed
then gone

Sand touched me so right
in all the wrong places

i knew love could be
torture
now i know how
to leave the torment
and carry the love
away

Sand scratched
all the old places
where wounds
never sealed
only scarred

Sand taught me to roll
old pain in that womb
where I grow myself
anew
to shine
from behind
wise eyes

the Sand now Pearl
is you


by blue 1/2008

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Image: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Image:PerlmuttAusst.jpg